This is Wham! meets vocal overdubs, loops, and cheap synthesizers. By the sound of this record, Duran Duran is either one or two 60-year old men… not more. By now we can guess that Rio danced on their windpipes and drained their bank accounts leaving only enough for $15/hr studio time with a late-teen computer brat producer.
Bad drum machines are always offensive, but here they are also overused and tasteless. This band is either successfully satirizing new wave suck, or painfully stuck in that era. I imagine that the only thing that has changed since ‘81 is their hair styles, and that is only because these chumps are surely balding by now.
Light years away from artistic expression. If you have testicles and you buy this record, then you do cocaine and wear lipstick. If you have ovaries and you buy this record, then you go dancing with guys who do cocaine and wear lipstick.
80s Mistakes, Duran Duran, Suck Revisited, Triangle Hair
by Otis Jackson on November 19, 2007
Men who have had such destructive years of rock star consumption are not entitled to materializing their late-life crises in this manner. I recommend that Mr. Plant give up music, long hair, and prescription drugs and turn to fishing and graffiti.
Why does it always sound like Robert Plant is complaining about something? He is still promoting the lyric-less, repetitive, high-pitched moan trick that made him some change in the 70s. An overdose in ‘75 would have been better for his career.
Please don’t make this record. Please don’t do a Led Zepplin reunion tour. Please don’t get perms anymore. Please conquer your anorexia and digest a healthy meal. Please stop looking like Chuck Norris with long hair.
Old Man Rock, Popular Crap, Robert Plant
by Otis Jackson on October 26, 2007
I’m not even certain how to respond to this.
My initial thought is that there must have been a point somewhere along the line, maybe in the 70s or 80s, when musical evolution reversed itself. I refuse to believe that our musical elders would be pleased to hear that current musicians with access to all previous musical innovations would put it all together and end up with this. I can only rationalize this end product by concluding that these “artists” have never heard any music other than themselves for their entire lives… and that their fans are controlled by remote.
My second thought is that the music industry as a whole must be run by chimps on helium to consider this to be country music. It’s red-neck, white-trash tripe and I am ashamed that it came out of the United States. Can we please go to war with the south again?
Brooks & Dunn, Jerry Springer Pop, Redneck, White Trash
by Otis Jackson on October 26, 2007
What the fuck?… how could rhapsody have mislabeled this genre so badly. It is obviously bad transgender butt-rock metal sludge. I am sure that it’s heavy metal because the song titles include the following “evil” words: reaping, hound, blood, rank, gravemaker, gunslinger, murder, damned, and brink. I honestly can’t tell if it is a whiny man-boy singing or a butch she-devil.
What a clever album cover… I wonder if they stole that from the 8 different Hollywood blockbusters or the 40 different sci-fi books which use the same theme. Regardless, I’m sure it was drawn by a band member cause there’s no way they contracted an artist and ended up with that.
What the hell is wrong with heavy metal guitar players? Haven’t they ever heard of tube amps? Do they all play 8-gauge strings? My little sister plays meaner guitar than that. Maybe they’re trying to match that thin guitar tone with the whine of the “vocalist.” Lots of noise, bad distortion, whiny lyrics and feminine screaming, and multiple vocal overdubs by the same singer. Classic butt-rock. I couldn’t hate it more. Instead of supporting this band by buying a record, please buy some framing nails and hammer them into your own ears.
Coheed and Cambria, Darkies & Punkers, Depressed with Distortion, Transgender Metal Sludge
by Otis Jackson on October 26, 2007
First, I’d like to congratulate Juanes on fitting the most syllables into the shortest amount of lyrical space. How totally unmusical. This was made for adolescents. The live performances of this kind of cheese absolutely have to include some crazy light show with fireworks and synchronized dancing so that the viewer might forget that the music is offensively tasteless. Oh my Jesus… this is the choppiest singing I have ever heard. This artist has never learned anything past sixteenth notes.
Machine gun suck: (n.) | distributing such a high volume of suck in such a short time that the listener feels that they have been riddled with bullets of audio pain.
I hope that there doesn’t exist a guitar player worldwide who would dare feel that they have learned anything from this record and then dishonor humanity enough to reproduce its tones or licks. If you like this music you should be sacrificed in favor of evolution.
Gay Latin, Juanes, Popular Crap
by Otis Jackson on October 26, 2007
First off, whose idea was it to base an entire musical genre on 3 chords? How incredibly tedious. Kyle Jester takes this boring foundation and goes absolutely nowhere with it. At around 30 seconds into this record you have heard every lick he knows. Since most of the songs are shuffles and he sings in the same register on every track, this might as well have been one 74-minute recording of torturous musical masturbation.
Nice album cover photo. Either he is singing or someone has just kicked him in the balls.
Actually, I happen to know this artist personally and he’s a first-rate asshole who deserves to regularly be kicked in the balls. I accidentally saw a live show once and on a break he lit an audience member on fire because they were wearing a turtleneck. On the way out I reminded this blues Nazi that he was actually white and that the year was 2006.
Blues is the most boring music ever created. People who purposely choose to recreate it are retarded from birth. If you buy this CD, be sure and play it in your toaster.
3-Chord Crap, Amplified 3-Chord Crap, Kyle Jester
by Otis Jackson on October 26, 2007
Dwight Yoakam, like many other new country singers, has a frog in his throat… a puberescent Kermit the Frog. Blow your goddamn nose and finish the song. Dwight shouldn’t be singing anything but carrots into his toilet bowl. This record screams See guys, I can sound like a country superstar, I just can’t write my own music… please let me into your club. New country music is the worst pollution that America has ever committed and I refuse to listen to any more of this ass water. If you buy/bought this record, please kick your own ass.
Dwight Yoakam, New Redneck Pop, Redneck, Traditional Redneck
by Otis Jackson on October 26, 2007
I’m pretty sure that the “Experimental” genre just refers to music that is the result of depressed and tone-deaf split-personalities who are attempting to achieve a breakthrough by musical expression on recommendation from their psychiatrist. This particular patient is also suffering from aggressive Tourette’s syndrome where most of his hostility is stored, and has a gross over-obsession with bad distortion pedals. I prescribe three months of solitary confinement with only a Simon & Garfunkel record and muscle relaxers.
I have only listened to 4 songs so far, but I worry that my social relationships will suffer if I go on. Somebody track down this foreigner and give him a hug.
Angry Suck, Darkies & Punkers, Serj Tankian
by Otis Jackson on October 25, 2007
I can only guess that Ryan Adams is a half-gay country pop superstar with a pinch of hippie street singer. Maybe he fell in love with a butch feminist who keeps his testes in an egg scrambler.
“My Love For You Is Real” is a real gem. This song should be entitled “My Love For You Is Worth A Distorted Power Chord.” I think the above artist name might actually be a misspelling, because this sounds exactly like Bryan Adams, puke. Seriously, anyone else who uses the cross the ocean or climb a mountain metaphors in a love song should be imprisoned with 50 Cent and his crew of rapist bandits. Can we retire the bad love song yet?
Ooooohhh… “Down In A Hole” (track 2), what an incredibly clever way to express a feeling of dispair. This is a displaced eighties glam metal tune. I highly recommend to the listener to play this crap at double speed so they can avoid baking their own head in the oven.
The third and final track is classic Bryan Adams. Oh… love and pain and if you leave I’ll stop functioning cause I’m only half a man now, la la la… do do dee. Honestly, I have to turn this off. Go to a Bryan (Ryan?) Adams show and break his guitar before the Lord takes it from him.
Darkie Cowpie, Darkies & Punkers, Ryan Adams
by Otis Jackson on October 24, 2007
